Sean Penn and Charlize Theron: Scariest relationship ever?

Nothing says “a match made in heaven” like Hollywood power couples Brangelina or Bey Z. But when I heard Sean Penn took Charlize Theron off the market this year, it was like my entire brain collapsed into a huge pile of applesauce. A very disappointed pile of applesauce, I might add.

Eligible Hollywood bachelors are not very hard to come by, especially since they’re at an all-time high right about now: Ryan Gosling, Johnny Depp, George Clooney… take your pick, Theron. But Penn? No way. We can do much better (and safer), girlfriend.

Penn’s “hotness” is widely arguable and speculated in and of itself but his whole track record with violence would’ve been a deal breaker before the waiter had even served us our bread and water.

Not to mention, the man once owned more than 65 guns before meeting the fellow Academy-Award winning actress. Yes, you read right: 65 firearms. Okay, I am all for self-defense, even if it requires (registered) weaponry, but this is a little excessive. Actually, it is extremely excessive and a red flag calling for major attention.

If there was anyone who ever lived by the “you can never be too safe” motto, it’s certainly him. Or at least I hope so. I mean, the man must have had guns stashed in every possible place you could think of: in the refrigerator, the dog house and let’s not forget about the one in the bathroom, because you never know when you may have to shoot someone in the John (pun intended).

Although he’s disposed of the weapons (or at least the ones she knows about) for a more artistic cause, the man is still equally dangerous with his hands.

Remember that one time in 1985 when Penn charged after two paps, trying to protect his then-fiancé Madonna, and specifically described him as a “madman.”

Or what about three years later in 1988, when he plead guilty to a misdemeanor and domestic violence charge during his romance with the Material Girl? How romantic, a man with an iron fist and the temper of a bull living in a world covered in red.

Okay, maybe I’m being too pessimistic here but these are serious charges and Theron needs to keep her guard up at all times. Despite his past, the man has made some careful strides to rebuilding his image over the years.

In 2009, during his acceptance speech for claiming Best Actor at the Academy Awards for his work with Milk, the man openly embraced same-sex marriage, which certainly should have earned him some cool points somewhere down the line.

Given another look at Penn, I guess he isn’t so undesirable. I can see how those blue eyes and chocolate curls could have persuaded even the most independent of women, like Theron. And he does have an impressive bod for someone in the 50+ club.

Even though I still think there are better fish in the sea, there’s just something about those men with biker boy attitudes, huh? Well, at least we know she’s fully capable of breaking his balls if need be, because if he ever does decide to spaz out again, she could just go all Aeon Flux on his ass.

Featured Image: Getty

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About Paris Close (18 Articles)
Editor-in-chief of Paperback Paris.

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